


A change of mind

by choppyVy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x15, M/M, Preview Filler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 15:50:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11383377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choppyVy/pseuds/choppyVy
Summary: Magnus has tried to forget many times, a long time ago, how very much it had all hurt. Now it is all raw again. And on top of it the fear of hurting the man he loves. There is one option to make it all go away he has not considered in a long time, he is reconsidering it now. And its price.





	A change of mind

Magnus had tried it before, many times.   
Once his magic had grown strong enough he had mixed potions designed to take it all away.  
Had come close, come very close, more than, much more than a couple times to drinking them. … just to stop the screeching screams in his head, his screams.   
But taking the memory away … would have taken away so much more, not just about his mother, but so much of himself, of who he had become by then.   
So after some time, longer than several humans natural lives at the time, he had stopped, … stopped reliving, having to relive it … all that vividly.   
Now, sitting here, in the 21st century, starring into this mirror, he feels like he has never heard them this clearly, the screams, the smell of blood, the images vivid as if it had happed only moments ago. Seared deep into him.   
Not sleeping does not help exactly either.   
But ever time he finds himself torn from his half-sleep by the agony, he feels he cannot stay there, … next to Alec.   
These last past days have been enragingly peaceful.  
No distractions. No real ones.  
From that storm he can feel brewing inside of his whole being.   
If things go on like this, he knows, it will break loose.   
And when that happens, ‘Alexander … can’t be next to me.’  
It has taken four nights of sleeplessly wandering about his apartment, with Alec asleep in the bedroom, only a handful steps away, for Magnus to even work up the courage to reach for the long ago bottled potion he had kept, more sentimental value attached to it than the actual wish to ever use it, ever.   
Everything is changed now. He is a changed man and that little boy again, who’s mother is lying there dead.  
He had never been able to unsee it, but it had taken a place in his far off memories of irreversible pain, in a far off place of his ancient mind.   
Nothing is far anymore.  
It is all right here.   
No seeing past it.  
‘Just one sip,’ Magnus allows the thought. ‘A tiny sip.’  
“There you are,” Alec’s voice startles Magnus out of his pained thoughts.   
Another opportunity lost … to change his mind. ‘… everything.’  
“Good Morning.”


End file.
